Welcome to the MamasteFit podcast. Today we’re going to be talking all about the postpartum body and the comments that we’ve been told when we were postpartum… just maybe don’t comment on somebody’s body. So that’s what we’re going to be talking about today because this was a post that was in our Facebook group where somebody had asked, “What should I respond when somebody makes a comment about my body?”
And we’re going to discuss that in this episode.
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Gina: Today, we’re going to be talking all about how to respond if somebody comments on your body. We’re going to share our personal experience. We’re going to talk about what we think maybe you should say. And then if you are somebody that is interacting with somebody that just had a baby, the things that you should maybe not say to somebody about their body. So today we got Casey here, who is one of the OG MamasteFit mamas, and then she’s going to be sharing her experience with it. We’ve had a lot of conversation about this. So the first thing is just maybe don’t comment on someone’s body.
That would be like my top recommendation. Just don’t comment on somebody’s body.
Roxanne: Even like a good intention. Like, “Oh, you look really good. Like you don’t even look like you had a baby.” Like even that comment could be just like super disheartening. And kind of taken in a wrong way.
Casey: Yeah, I think that’s just as harmful.
Gina: Yeah. So what’s your experience, Casey?
Casey: My experience is like, it’s a, it’s just this weird thing that people want to comment on. Like, it starts, actually, I don’t think it’s postpartum. I think it starts in pregnancy. And it’s all about, now we’re observing your bump or like, you don’t even look pregnant.
And so I think, alright, we’ve talked about this a lot. It’s like, there’s this, like, “We want you to be pregnant, and we want you to make babies, and we wouldn’t be excited about it, but, like, we do not want to see the evidence of it, unless it is aesthetically pleasing and cute and, like, or you’re all baby,” that kind of thing.
So, yeah, I had a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy, and I would say I have a curvy athletic body, but I generally received those comments, “Oh my gosh, you’re all baby,” and then either, if it’s women, they take the opportunity to kind of go into a story about how they were or like what they looked like or, “Oh, I was this,” or “I was that.” Yeah. And then it’s like this waiting period like everybody’s waiting to see the bounce back. My personal experience and I mean, I guess we’re all hard on ourselves, but like I personally would not say I experienced a snapback it just, it did not, it didn’t come that easy. And still now even several years post partum it like feels like you know, it feels like working with a new body, not getting the old body back, not that we’ve lost our body, but yeah, I have so many thoughts. So I’ll let you like..
Gina: No, this is going to be a very conversational episode.
Roxanne: I feel like recently on social media, I have been seeing a lot of like “Belly Only Pregnancies.” Like, “This is like how you have a belly only pregnancy” where like literally the only thing that grows is your belly and people will comment be like, “Oh man, if you, if I didn’t see you from the front, like I would have had no idea you were pregnant.”
And it’s like, okay, like I’ve gained like 45 pounds this pregnancy. So thank you for that compliment that you think is a compliment, but that’s not helpful at this time. Um, so I just feel like commenting on bodies in general during pregnancy and postpartum is probably like just a really good time to just not to do that. Because it could be, again, you think like, “Oh, you look so great during pregnancy. Wow, you’re four weeks postpartum, you look amazing.” But it also could be like, “Hey, I’ve been so stressed the past four weeks, so I haven’t eaten anything. And that’s why I’ve lost 45 pounds, because I’m malnourished from anxiety and postpartum depression. Thank you for telling me I look great, but I would like to eat a sandwich or, like, not be super stressed.” Or the other opposite is, like, you don’t feel, like, that great in your body, and people keep telling you you look great, and you’re like, “I would just, like, take a shower.”
The Toxic Truth About "Bounce Back" Culture
Casey: There’s this big, like, overarching thing to me.
It says, like, we’re all watching. Pregnancy is a lot of attention, if you’re someone that’s, like, not as comfortable with that anyways. And then, you know, attention from strangers, comments, “When are you due, is it twins?” Like, it’s all about, like, there’s some, mysterious, like, perfect size bump, and then perfect, like, vaporize of that bump that we, as a society, are comfortable with.
I would say, though, just to cycle back just a little bit, I don’t think I realized that this was going to be an issue, like, I kind of, not gonna lie, like, I relished in the comments during pregnancy, like, “Oh, you’re all baby!” Like, you know, that was 2016, 2017, Gina, so you can relate, you’re pregnant, too, like, that was the peak of, like, “Fit Pregnancy.” That was the, like, the buzzword, I think, in the social media world. Not that that’s gone away. And I don’t think it was until I was about nine months postpartum where, like, these feelings started to really creep in and I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t know this was a thing for me,” but I was gentle until nine months.
Like, “Nine months in, nine months out,” but who made that up? Like, who made that up? That, that, that is the, you know, that is your allowance of snapback time. Like, either you’re like a really good snapback and you snap back maybe by the time you go to work, when you’re seen again, when you kind of emerge from the foggy postpartum cocoon.
But I was working through, you know, our programming and working really hard and like, I had not quite hit that point where my brain was connecting with my body. Um, which, I mean, we know now it’s like some of the C-section stuff that we kind of had “Ah-Hahs!” about. Yeah, like, not, what is that, nine months in, nine months out, and, and maybe that’s the allowable.
So, if anybody’s listening that’s like in that window and you’re like, “Yeah, I’m cool with it now, but like if that belly exists one day past nine months postpartum…” like, you know, if that feels like something unacceptable or something, like, it’s on!
Deceptive Marketing Strategies Pray on Postpartum Moms
Gina: I think it’s just another before and after photo that I guess it demonstrates the success of someone’s program or their efforts or, um, cause I’ll see a lot in some like fitness programs, like this is their marketing strategy.
And that’s something that like at MamasteFit, we have been very passionate about not doing, cause it’s a cheap marketing tactic to say, “Hey, look how much smaller, I could make you if you do my program,” and they’ll even mask it where they’re like, “This is my before and ‘stronger’ photo,” when it’s literally a before and after picture.
Roxanne: Yeah.
Gina: And it infuriates me! And it’s even worse when it’s like, “This is their pregnancy!” You did not help them have that baby, okay?! And so it’ll be like some before picture where they are in this gross, postpartum, like how dare they look like this; or they’re like super pregnant, and then it’s their after photo, which is their “stronger” photo when it’s just them flexing their abs.
I am not viewing this photo and thinking Wow, they were much stronger right now. They’re more functional now I bet they can get up and down from the floor with their kids with ease. All I’m seeing is while they have six pack abs now. And they’re flexing for the camera, the big smile on their face, which means that their program is successful.
And that’s cheap to me.
Roxanne: It’s super cheap. It’s a great marketing thing.
Gina: It is.
Roxanne: There are a lot of people, because it pries on people’s vulnerabilities of like having a belly. Which like, like we will post pictures and videos of us when we’re like in the first few months postpartum and people are like, “Wow, kudos to you for showing your belly.”
And I’m like, we all have it. Like, this is postpartum.
Gina: The baby is always blocking our body. Not because we’re hiding it, but because the way that my body is recovering and changing postpartum is not a reflection of, like, how good I’m doing or how amazing I am at postpartum. It’s just how my body is just healing. Because I’m like malnourished. And just nursing a baby because I’m forgetting to eat food. I have thyroid problems, people, like I have a low appetite! Um, but we’re very intentional about how we share about our own bodies because I don’t want someone to look at my body and think, “Oh, that’s what I’m supposed to look like. And if I don’t look like that, I’m somehow failing.” And not to say that my body is the ideal body by any means, but like we’re intentional with how we share about our experience because we don’t want us to be, “Look at my body,” it’s, “Hey, look, I have a really cute baby and this is how I feel right now,” like, and, and that’s what we’re trying to share more with our postpartum bumpies, um, but I’ll definitely see folks that are like, “Look at my abs at two weeks postpartum!”
Congratulations. All you did was exist for two weeks. Like, I don’t, I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.
Roxanne: Yeah.
Gina: Do you feel like your organs are falling out? No? You good? Awesome. Like, I couldn’t get that from your flexing picture.
Casey: Yeah, and it’s not something that you know until you go through it.
Like, one, you don’t know how you’re gonna feel. Two, you don’t know how you’re gonna feel about the postpartum body. And that is like a whole other animal. I think, um, we’ve talked about this before that, like, we, as a society, kind of treat the pregnant person as, um, it’s like a big gift. Like, it’s like, “Oh, can I touch your bump?”
And like, oh, it’s so cute. And like, look at you. And, but like, the minute baby is out of there, it is like Christmas morning, discarded gift, gift wrap, like the dad in the room, like, shoveling it into a garbage bag. We’re like, we do not want to see that. Like, we want to see the PlayStation, or the bike, or the baby.
Like, we do not want to see you and your deflated gift wrap. Like, we’re done seeing that. No one wants to look at that. Which, I’m not saying that, but that is, you know, I feel like it’s like the shrouded in secrecy, you know. I shared, so you guys know I teach yoga, and I shared that, um, one time I was looking for bathing suits on scrolling through reviews, and it’s heartbreaking, the comments for the reviews for this suit were like five star reviews hides this, hides that, like disguise the belly or like high waisted tummy, blah, blah, blah, all this stuff, and it’s like, what messaging is that, that we’re like, you need, “Okay, please do not, please, whatever you do, do not make us look at your postpartum stomach,” like, good grief, like, we know what happened there, we know what just happened there. We’re like, “But we probably need to hide it,” which I mean, if it was like a swollen arm or a swollen knee or like I had a bad ankle sprain earlier this year, like I wasn’t like, can I get some minimized, like ankle minimizing joggers or something?
So no one can, I’m so embarrassed of my swelling. It’s going to be like, everyone’s going to think I’m lazy. Like, right. Like when we say the narratives out loud, they’re just so dumb and ridiculous. And yet they’re somehow like woven through the tapestry of our generation of birthers that hopefully our daughters won’t endure, with us like having these conversations now, but, you know.
Let's Change the Narrative for The Next Generation
Gina: I don’t know, Adeline… So my six year old, for those of you not familiar with all my children’s names, I don’t know why you don’t have them memorized…! I feel like I’ve been very intentional with my six year old daughter. Educating her on like, it’s not like good and bad food. It’s about this food is nourishing for us. These are the things that this food does for us.
So similar to how I’m going to talk about my body. My body is not my business firm. It is not my value. It’s about the things that my body can do. So my body can lift this weight. My body could play with my kids without being in pain.
I can move my body well. Like those are functional things that my body can do that. I’m very happy that my body can do. And I’m very pleased with the way that my, my body can do that. It’s enhancing my quality of life. Being a smaller frame does not equal health. It does not equal a pain free life. Like I’ve been slightly smaller than I am now and I was in tons of pain.
So like being small does not equal better by any means. And so I’ve really like have been trying to reinforce this for her. And the way that I talk about my body is more about the things that I can do with my body and the way that I talk about food. And she still went to preschool and came back and was like, I can only eat apples because apples are healthy.
I need to eat less food so I can be skinny. And I’m like, where, where did you learn that? Like,
Roxanne: It starts when they’re young.
Gina: So I think I, I, this is my speculation. I don’t know exactly what happened. My assumption is there was some sort of lesson in school about food and they labeled it as, these are healthy foods, which was like fruits and vegetables.
These are unhealthy foods like candy. And so. We want to eat healthy foods that we can stay lean and we can be, or this is my assumption, or like there’s another kid in the class whose parents don’t talk as positively about their bodies and they, and she’s picking up from her classmates and it was heartbreaking because I’ve been working for like four to six years on my body is a functional machine. I am strong. And then she comes back like “I need to eat less food.” So we’ve been working on that. I mean, it’s I think it’s good now, but really reinforcing like this food is good. Like this food helps you do this. Carrots help you see in the dark, you ninja, like, I read that someone, orange foods help you see in the dark.
Maybe I made it up, but that’s what I told her. And so we started researching what are their pursuits, what type of nutrients do they have. And now we’re in the gym. She’s like, “I want to be strong like you,” and I’m like “Yeah you do!”. Um, but it’s trading because we had to like fight that. And it was something that I felt like I had not been doing for her.
And so even with all of the effort that I’m putting in to have like a positive body image. And to teach healthy habits with food because I’m pretty sure like every woman in the United States at some point has had somebody say something to her about her body and has made her want to change it with a lot of hatred towards herself. Like weight loss is not bad.
Wanting to lose weight is not bad, but wanting to lose weight because you think that something is not attainable to you now, because you are not worth loving at the size you are, that’s what I have an issue with. And that’s what that marketing scheme is to show the before and after pictures. That’s what all of the like, I mean, Casey, you send me all the videos that are like, “Lost the FUPA!” or all these like words that are just like.
Why are we using the “mommy tummy?” It’s like, no, my God. And it’s just frustrating because it’s like, you can have the things that you think that you can only attain at a smaller size now. Like you can be loved now, you can love yourself now, you can be happy now. Like, you don’t need to fit into smaller jeans in order to have these things.
They’re not unattainable at any size. And, and that’s what I try to push for people that come to the gym who do have a desire for weight loss. And I’m like, that’s fine. Like, I’m not against your desire to lose weight. Like, I’m not living in your body. And if you think that’s going to bring you more health and by all means, like I’m here to support you, but we’re going to do it in a way that’s loving.
We’re not going to hate ourselves the whole way, like your body is not your value, but I’m going to first focus on making sure that you feel good in your body. And the side effect will probably be that you lose some weight because you gain more muscle. But that’s not my intent with our programming, and that’s, that’s not my intent for in person or online.
Casey: The threads of those messages are everywhere, though, so I think, like, by opening up the conversation, talking about what we can say, because it originally came from that post of, like, the girl who posted, I think, was getting positive comments, and she was uncomfortable with it, but still, like, was like, I feel like this isn’t… Appropriate or I don’t know what to say or sometimes I say thanks or sometimes I say, you know, I think we kind of that was part of, you know, part of that and it’s like through no fault of their own most of us were raised by a generation of women who grew up in the 70s or were, you know, of age or mothers in the 70s and 80s, 90s.
And those were like, man, tough times to be a woman, like tough, tough times to have a healthy body, low rise jeans. And, you know, you name it, like. It, it was a crazy time and it was a crazy time of crash dieting and fat free and all of that stuff. And like, you know, there are women that I know quite well that can tell me what their weight was when they were pregnant in 1975 and 1982 and for each pregnancy.
And, and that was a value system and then I think that was kind of integrated probably into our childhoods and um, you know, or like “I could get back into my jeans” I think is something that I heard. Like “I was back in my jeans by X amount of like weeks.”
Gina: I mean I could squeeze myself in my jeans if I really tried.
They do not look good.
Casey: Love to show you my jeans.
Gina: They do not look good. I’m gonna buy a bigger size. Cause my body is just…
Casey: Your hips get bigger, like. You leave accent.
Roxanne: Parts of your body get bigger. Yeah. Couldn’t fit into my pre pregnancy jeans, not because I was just like so much larger, but it was like literally your bones have adjusted to give birth to a baby.
So, like, it’s physically impossible for some people to get back into your pre pregnancy jeans.
Casey: Right. Some cultures revere that. Some cultures revere the birthing body, right? Like, we just, we just have the messaging a little backwards, I think, here.
Roxanne: I mean, our mom could tell, like, tells us every time, like, what was my weight pre pregnancy and then how much did I weigh when I was nine months pregnant because everyone would comment on how much she weighed.
She is like five foot two, like, she is going to be really, like, she is a thin framed woman. And everyone would comment, she was like 80 pounds before she got pregnant, 100 pounds when she gave birth to Gina. And everyone was like, I haven’t been 80 pounds since I was in 7th grade. Well, you’re 5’8. Like, that would be unhealthy for you to be 80 pounds at 5’8 and 30 years old.
Like, that’s not realistic for people. Like, weight in general is like such a terrible indicator of health because people should, like certain people should not weigh a certain weight to be healthy and like have an optimal life like if I was 80 pounds I should see someone because my height, I should not be 80 pounds.
You Are Worthy, at EVERY Size
Gina: And you can also think about, like, all of the restriction that might come into attaining this certain weight, because I even have friends who I just want to give them a biggest hug when they say it to me, is like, I’m just holding on to this last five pounds or this last 10 pounds, and I’m always like, what does that mean?
What does the last 10 pounds mean? Like, like, what does that look like on you? Like 10 less pounds? Like, like what body are you trying to seek that you think will be 10 pounds less and just be so much better. Like I, and so I have a hard time with that because I think about myself when I was in college, like collegiate athlete who should have been eating a ton of food, like I was running 80 miles a month, which is a lot of calories.
And somehow I got it into my head and it was probably like subtle or subliminal messaging, or somebody at some point told me if I was smaller, I’d run faster. So my dumb ass is like, “I will just eat less food and I will lose weight and I will weight 110 pounds,” which is not an attainable weight for me.
It is not a realistic weight for me. And so I was essentially starving myself because for me in my head I was like, “If I lose these 20 pounds I’m going to run so much faster” and what ended up happening was I ended up getting injured and having to sit out the entire winter season because my body couldn’t recover from the mileage that I was doing eating 1000 calories a day. My toddler probably eats more and so it’s just, it’s always frustrating when I hear people saying “If I could just lose this last 10 pounds or this last 15 pounds” and I’m like, “What does that even mean?”
And if you do lose that, what do you have to do to achieve that? Like what kind of like regimented insane diet protocol are you going to have to do that just sucks the joy out of your life? Which, I mean, again, this is my own bias, like, I am, I love food, I love eating good tasting food, and you know what type of food I don’t think tastes good?
Fuckin chicken. Don’t think chicken tastes good.
Roxanne: Chicken and rice.
Gina: Just sprinkle it with some pepper and salt. One of our friends is a professional chef, and we always send these videos to each other, just sad food. And I’m like, man, they would just put some love, some season to their life.
And just accept that body fat is a part of being joyful.
Roxanne: So use a little butter and oil. Oh, yeah.
Reframing the "Why?" Behind Weight Loss
Casey: It’s like part of a bigger conversation though of like, if I could get this five or 10 pounds, I could get back. I could get my body back. I could get back into my jeans. And it’s like, to me, it’s like this, this is like probably my yoga background talking and like meditation, all that kind of stuff is like, we have to make space, right? We’re making physical space in our body. Like your intestines have to move to the side or squish forward to make space for baby just in the same way that like everything that was part of this timeline back here before pregnancy might not be coming forward into that next step.
And so maybe five or 10 pounds, like to get back to that weight, that was my healthy weight, it’s like a symptom, to me, of a bigger, like, holding on. I’m holding on to, and often, like, when we nail down, nail it down, like, chat about it, and at least I know this is for me, I’m not chasing a weight, right? I’m not on the top of the pyramid tomorrow.
No one’s lifting me. Like, no one’s trying to, like, put me on their shoulders and, like, run down the street. This is, no one needs to know the weight, right? Because it, it doesn’t, it’s not relevant, right? But it’s a feeling. It’s a feeling. Like, if we reframed and were like, I want to feel, like Gina said, functional. I want to be able to lift my kids. Or, I don’t want there to be anything in my way. I don’t want there to be anything in my way, like, of feeling strong, feeling capable, feeling safe. You know, if I’ve gotta, I don’t know, like, I feel like moms are notorious for like, um, catastrophizing. Like, if, if something happens, I want to be able to grab my two kids under my arms and like, football run them, you know, wherever I need to go to get to safety.
Like I want to be able to do what I need to do. I don’t want to be so tired that I have to like sit on the couch all day. Great. Like I want to meet the needs of my life, not be that certain weight or wear those certain pants or whatever it is, it’s a feeling, and I think that. But we can have that feeling in a different body, even if we can identify the feeling, right?
Because if you just focus on the weight, like there’s really no learning happening. You’re like, it’s me, it’s a scale, me versus gravity. That’s all it is. Like nothing’s happening. We’re not growing. We’re not making any space for this motherhood journey. And I mean, ultimately, like motherhood asks us to make space in a lot of different ways.
Sometimes it’s a shift in career. Sometimes it’s, you know, you’re not going out as much or your social life, or maybe you have friends you know, that don’t have kids or, you know, like we, we do leave some things behind. And if you get back to your weight and that’s important to you, perfect. Um, maybe you never lifted weights before.
Maybe you’re just heavier. Maybe you are. Maybe you’re stronger. Right? Like, there’s just, I don’t know. I feel like there’s just, um, like a symptom of a bigger thing. And did we, yeah, we did talk about this, that I think we, again, as, and I just say society, because I don’t want to blame any, like, one person or one entity or group or anything.
It’s like, we’re uncomfortable with that change. We want to see that women can endure, you know, like grow big and and then grow small again And don’t take up any extra space like once you’re not carrying a human like please do not take up any extra space than you did before. And we just want to but we want to believe somehow that that happens Because that’s what we see in the celebrity world, right?
Like they emerge from this cocoon. You know, maybe they have a surrogate, maybe they had the baby themselves, like, you know, we don’t ever know, but they also probably had a great trainer and all the great meals and all that stuff. Like, there’s really no evidence of postpartum. And I guess, like, I feel like that’s what we’re talking about is like the evidence of postpartum and, and why, why is it not all over Instagram?
The evidence.
Roxanne: I definitely feel like…
Casey: It’s not a crime!
Roxanne: I feel like it’s being shown more to a degree. Or maybe again, it’s just the curated feed that I’ve created since being in the postpartum, that more people are just showing their postpartum bodies like this is me. Accept me for who I am. And like nobody like has a baby and literally within the same hour like looks like they were pre pregnancy like your organs have shifted, your uterus is still large, you still look pregnant.
And I’ll like remember Lily came to see me in the hospital and she came and like put her hand on my belly and she’s like, “Mommy, is there another baby in here? There’s, your stomach’s still big. Is there another baby in there?” and I’m like, here’s a teaching moment. “Lily, we do not comment on people’s bodies. There is not another baby inside my belly. It just takes a while for it to heal after having a baby.” And she’s just like, “But is there another baby in there?” I think she secretly wanted there to be another baby in there. But we don’t comment on people’s bodies, Lily.
Gina: So after I gave birth to Adeline, I am like trying to hold my baby. They like whisked her away. I don’t know why. We, I mean, you can listen to my birth story, whatever that is, Episode 2, every nurse was commenting on my body and being like, “Wow, you didn’t look like you just had a baby!” And I’m like, literally laying here, butt naked.
Like, my legs are sprawled, like, I’m bleeding from my vagina. My baby, I’m like, wondering where my baby is. And you have the audacity to think that in this moment, what I care about you commenting on is my belly is flat. I’m laying flat on my back. Where do you think my organs are gonna go? Into me, Woman! Like, of all the things to say in that moment, she was like, this is the best.
She went through a little rolodex and was like, “You don’t even look like you’ve had a baby.” I’m like, I do look like I just had a baby. I’m literally covered in blood. I’m naked. I’m laying in a hospital bed. I got poop on me. Some of my own, maybe. I don’t know. Like I’ve got a crying baby on me, you know, eventually, and you will think that telling me that I didn’t, I look like I haven’t had a baby is like appropriate. How about you just say, congratulations. Your baby’s really cute. You got this. You did it like, no, you don’t even look like you had a baby. I hate you. Like, okay, should I apologize? And that’s the other thing, like folks will comment on my body during pregnancies.
My uterus is retroverted. It falls into my body. I have an Asian descent, my torso a little bit longer. Guess where my babies go? Inside. I don’t really show until later in my pregnancies. It’s just my body type. Like I. I’m not doing anything to prevent myself from gaining weight. I’m not doing anything to like, keep my bump only pregnancy.
But I’ll still have people that are like, “Oh my God, you’re so small. I was so much bigger than you when I was pregnant.” And then I’m like, what am I supposed to say? Like, I’m sorry. Like, oh, like it makes me so uncomfortable because I’m like, I feel like I’m supposed to apologize. For being the way that my body just happens to look like.
And then I’ll tell you, I had one lady that was like, “I can’t believe how small you are. I hate you.” Like she said that to me and I was like, I don’t really know how to take that. That made me really uncomfortable. It was one of Baron’s boss’s wives. And so it was even more awkward. Uh, but folks will comment all the time on how small I am. And that made me very self conscious because it was like.
Well, no one is concerned about my baby like being too small, but like for whatever reason you feel that it has a comments on how big or small my belly is and then you’re saying it in a way that makes me feel like I’m supposed to apologize or come up with an excuse on why I don’t, I don’t, I’m not bigger or I’m not as what you view to be appropriate or not threatening to you during my pregnancy.
And so it’s just, it’s not comfortable. It doesn’t come off as a compliment. I just don’t need people to comment about my body as a compliment. Comments, compliment me on how I lifted almost 200 pounds. I’d like those compliments. Be like, you’re jacked Gina, you’re so strong. That’s a compliment.
When "Compliments" Heighten Anxieties
Roxanne: But then it’s also like for some people like commenting on like their belly size during pregnancy, whether it’s that your, your belly is so small or your belly is so big. It makes you feel like something’s wrong. Cause like, well, why is my belly so big? Or why is my belly so small? Like, is my baby not growing big enough? Cause that’s what a lot of people are like, well, I have a really small belly and I’m measuring small. So now like, does that mean that I, my baby is too small? Like, should I eat something else? Like, should I do all of these things? X, Y, and Z, because my belly is so small? Or same with likewise, like. I had a huge belly because my babies are big and it’s like, well, like, is this baby too big? Like my belly’s huge is my baby too big, but it’s like, it’s just normal.
Casey: It’s like the pursuit of like optimal thing that we don’t know what it is.
So What SHOULD We Say?
Casey: I actually just saw a friend share that a couple months ago and she was like this bump is the source of a lot of commenting and not in a good way and I’m eight months pregnant and it’s just small and I was small with my first and it just makes me stressed out because you know, like it. I mean it is a time of heightened stress and I know that we say like don’t say anything at all but I would say like I would offer like maybe we should offer some suggestions of things we think are constructive to say because we used to joke in my family that there was like one uncle, he’s well into his nineties now, like one great uncle that was notorious for, he would say like, “How you doing? You look trim or you look this,” like to anybody, anybody in the family, he commented. But if he didn’t say anything like, you might be like tacking on a couple extras. Like if he said you look good, you probably lost weight since you saw him last. But if he didn’t say anything, then you’re like, “Oh, I didn’t get the compliment from, you know, this uncle.”
So, um, you know, I, I would share this in my prenatal teacher training that like, what, what do you say? Like if you’re, let’s say your students have their baby and they came back, what are some things that we can say? And what are some other things that are, like, probably don’t say?
Gina: How is the baby sleeping?
Don’t, don’t ask. Oh, don’t ask. It’s a baby..
Casey: Yeah. I mean, we’re talking specifically body, but like just in that postpartum period, like, are they a good baby? Don’t say that.
Gina: Right? No, they rob banks. She’s robbing banks. She just graffitied the house. No, she’s not a good baby.
Casey: Right, like, and then, and then it becomes part of your narrative, or like, yeah, “Are they a good eater?”
Um, what are some things, oh, I, um, so I have two C-sections, which you know, and two labored C-sections, and I was asked, “Did you have it normally? Or a C-section.”
Roxanne: Oh! No!
Casey: Or naturally versus a C-section. And like, I get it. No one’s trying to like, in this age of PC, no one’s trying to be that guy and choose the wrong words.
But like, sometimes those things are sticky when you’re like, I didn’t have it normally, I guess? Or, you know, same thing with comments about breastfeeding. Like, breastfeeding worked really great for me, but it doesn’t for everybody. And like, all of those comments about like, what your body can do for you.
Man, like, ouch, those, I think they’re just like, unknowing, un…unintentional? I really, I think they’re unintentional. I really do. Most of the time, I think they’re just… dumb and thoughtless and we don’t know what to say. Um, and so you can never go wrong with good to see you.
Gina: Yeah.
Casey: You can never go wrong with,
Roxanne: Oh, that’s good!
Casey: It’s good to see you. Or I know it probably took a lot to get out of the house. It’s so good to see you. Like some acknowledgement, like whatever. And now, now we’re talking about something else, you know, or we’re giving them some space to share more of an experience right? Because chances are their clothes don’t fit well, or in the best way, or, you know, they, sometimes we just don’t feel like our own selves.
We don’t really even know who that is. Like, it takes a long time to develop our identity, our motherhood identity, let alone motherhood style.
Roxanne: I feel like there has to be something else to like comment, or even just like asking them a question of like, how are you doing?
Casey: Mm hmm.
Roxanne: Rather than be like, How are you feeling? Or like, how’s the baby sleeping? All those types of questions, just like, how are you doing? It’s really nice to see you, because then that gives them that space to be like, “I feel like crap.” Or like, “I have not slept more than two hours. Like, I’m just really excited to be here to, like, do something for myself” or something.
Casey: Well, and this is less about the physical body, more about, like, the emotional body and, like, mental health, but, like, we don’t know… we also don’t know how someone’s feeling outside of the house with their baby, like, that’s sometimes when you get really well acquainted with your postpartum anxiety or whatever it is that you’re feeling when you return, like you get reintroduced to society and you’re like, “Whoa, like I’m afraid of everything” or whatever it is you’re feeling or you’re like, I’m uncomfortable or I think we talked about this way back in like the first weeks of MamasteFit back in 2017, like, what if my baby cries and like disrupts everybody and then you know lo and behold that was like the formation of this first chapter is like no, we’re all in it.
We’re all in it and everybody’s baby’s gonna cry we’re gonna pick babies up and we’re gonna you know, help you get through your set and um, you know, and, but there is this probably on another conversation. This is a whole nother pod to say like that, you know, babies should be good, right? Like that your baby somehow shouldn’t communicate, like, I hope my baby doesn’t communicate his needs during this session.
Roxanne: Yeah.
Casey: In front of these grown ups…
Roxanne: Who he should be able to ask for help…
Casey: Right? Like, but like why, why it all to me ties into that like, we need to be smaller, we need to take up less space. Our babies need to be, I don’t know. Silent, right? Like visually pleasing but not, we want to look at cute babies but we don’t want to hear them communicate.
Roxanne: Yeah.
Casey: Just reframing all of that. I don’t know. Hopefully our, like, conversation is, is helpful in, you know, cause sometimes you don’t have people in your life that know any different to say anything that could affect your mental health, you know, and, and about the sleeping thing about the…
Roxanne: Yeah.
Casey: So everything, I mean, people comment on everything in your postpartum.
Roxanne: I feel like you don’t know what to say, um, like until you learn it too. So like pre pregnancy, postpartum for myself, like granted, I was in like the woman’s health kind of realm for a while, but like, I would think that that was totally fine to comment on. Like, I feel like before I kind of did it myself.
And then I realized like, oh, those aren’t super helpful comments that make people feel great about themselves because like pregnancy and postpartum is like a very, I mean, one, you’re like, hormones are all out of whack, so like you’re extra emotional … just extra, extra feelings going for those 18 months, I feel like, uh, but it’s also just like, you don’t know what, like, you honestly like care about, I guess in those times until you’re like in it. Um, so you think that commenting on like, “Oh, wow, you like, don’t even look like you had a baby,” or like, “Oh, I wouldn’t have even known you’re pregnant until I saw your belly,” like those, like on paper, sound like a really great idea until you’re on the other end of it.
And you’re like, yeah, that doesn’t, that doesn’t feel like great. Cause I feel like, especially like the postpartum body, like some people, like, they can like after working out or whatever, like they can look like how they look pre pregnancy, but not everybody can do that, especially like if you get stretch marks, like, sorry, they’re, they’re stuck there for life.
Some of us get them, some of us don’t. And then it’s also like, there’s that, um, Oh my gosh, what’s the word I’m looking for? But there’s like the marketing of like, “Hey, use this cream to avoid stretch marks.” And like, you can use the cream it’s probably not going to do anything. Like I want to avoid getting stretch marks so that I have proof that I grew this baby. Sorry, you grew an eight and a half pound baby. Your skin can only stretch so much.
Casey: You could literally, you could go bankrupt in the postpartum I mean, yeah, you really and all everything that’s like advertised out there to hide the evidence. I mean it really is like it like it Crime scene kit, like how to just discard every single ounce, right?
And, and, and we do that as a symptom of a bigger problem, too. We do it with aging, too, right? Like, this is for your eye cream, like, this is your eye cream. This is your …
Roxanne: 17 step skin routine.
Casey: Right? And, and… and you just get to a point where you’re like, I don’t really have all the, I don’t really have time to hide everything! I just can’t…
Roxanne: I can’t. I’ve gone down for my skin routine is now three steps. I don’t have time for my seven step skin routine.
Casey: My 26 steps of like “self care.” I know. Um, I told a friend recently though, and I think this is a good rule of thumb, because if like, let’s say if somebody’s listening to this podcast and they don’t have kids yet and they’re like, oh my god, I’ve said all of that like dumb shit, I’m so like, ah, it’s like, if you focus on the moms that come after you, right, like, I had a friend that said, I hope I was there for you, but I know I probably like, just looking back, like, I just had no idea.
Like, you know what, You take your, take your motherhood knowledge and pay it forward to the moms that come after you. Don’t worry about the ones that might have said the wrong thing to, you know, sure, if you owe them an apology, like, of course. But if you focus on the ones that come after, those are the ones you can really help.
Those are the ones that your words may be, you know, they’re coming from a place of experience and… You know, we don’t know, we just, we really, you know, we think we know, and…
Gina: I don’t think there’s any way to share it either to like help somebody understand like what that transition to becoming a mother or to getting pregnant and to becoming a mother is like, I don’t think that anyone could have explained it to me in a way that I would have truly comprehended because there is like a physical shift a physiologic shift that happens in your brain, in your body, when you become a mother, when you, like, give birth to a child or are pregnant, and for me, like, my, I feel like my personality is different, like, I feel like I am a different person.
Or I mean, I’m a better like flavor of myself… I can ever think of the word! I have extra spices now that just make me so much more vibrant. And I have a wider range of emotions that I’m willing to express and to experience with somebody else, with this little person that I made. There’s such a hyper focus on, “Become as small as possible, after you give birth to make sure that your husband still loves you because that’s your only value in your relationship is to be as tiny as possible because how else is he going to show you off?” And so there’s this hyper focus on being as small as possible, being as quiet as possible, making sure that your children are only seen, not heard, that you can only admire the cute photos, but we want to make sure that you have a really good baby.
It takes its toll on you because you’re like, “No. I am allowed to take up space I am allowed to be as big or as small as I want to be, regardless of my size, I’m worthy of being loved and I’m worthy of having all of those things that I deserve as a human being, regardless of my size, I will not suddenly be allowed to experience certain emotions, such as joy and happiness in my life once I reach this, like….” we don’t even know what the, what the optimal size is! Like there is no like for everybody, everyone must weigh 115 pounds. There’s not even like a number to seek. It’s so frustrating because even for myself, I feel like I love my body and all the things that it can do. And I’m trying to instill that in my daughter.
I feel like I had a very. Like a positive food relation or relationship with food, where I look at food as a way to bond and for joy, and I’m not really trying to diet or change my body composition with food. And I still have these thoughts that creep into my head that are like, you don’t fit in your jeans anymore.
And I’m like, why did this creep into my head? Or it’s like, oh, make sure you pull your leggings up a little bit more. Like, AC and I were doing a photoshoot, all my Lululemon are hiked up as high as possible, just tuck everything in, and then we just have these giant camel toes. And so I’ll, I’ll catch myself where I’m like, like I’ll look in the mirror and I’ll be like, “Oh man, like it looks like I have a belly right now.”
Like, well, I’m supposed to, that is literally what my body is supposed to look like. It’s not supposed to be flat. I have organs. I manage pressure with my abdomen. Like, of course it’s… but it bothers me because it’s still creeps into my head because it’s so deeply ingrained in my soul from just being 35 years of a woman in this country and then I give birth to a baby and it’s like, “Oh, wow, you’re so small” or “I’m going to comment on your body” and it’s just like, “Can we just focus on the fact that I grew a human being?”
Like 99 percent by myself, my husband helped a little bit at the beginning, I guess, but like 1%. And then I nourished this baby with the milk that I produced with my own body. That’s incredible. I’m like, how? How is this even possible?
I didn’t need anyone to tell me how to grow my baby or how to nourish my baby. And I’m like, can we just comment on how incredible that is instead of what my body looks like?
Casey: Right. Yeah. Well, and you know, it’s, it, you mentioned it too, when you said there’s no, like, we don’t even know what it is. So it’s like, we’re all, we all chase this like vague carrot, but it moves, you know, like, cause then it was super skinny bodies and it was curvy.
Now if you have a big booty that’s a thing. And that, you know, the carrot, it just moves, and You know, think about even with working out, like, there’s a certain amount of working out in pregnancy that gets congratulated. There’s a certain amount of yoga, a certain amount of lifting, but not too much, not too much, because there’ll be a certain amount when then it becomes, “Oh, that’s too much, you shouldn’t be doing that, blah, blah, blah,” you know, like, the comments.
And then the same thing in postpartum. There’s a certain amount. It’s like the just right amount.
Gina: Nobody knows what it is.
Casey: No one knows!
Gina: There is no, there is no like set number.
Casey: No, it’s not…
Roxanne: Because it’s all so dependent. Everything is individualized. We’re all individual unique people.
What I do during pregnancy and postpartum is not what Gina does during pregnancy and postpartum and it’s not when you did pregnancy and postpartum, right? So it’s like we like, there is no, like, everybody should achieve this thing, because that’s not attainable for everybody. We are all individual people that all have our own optimal whatever, and we get to determine what that is ourselves.
Casey: Within that, even comparing your own postpartum to the next postpartum I’ve found for me I had very different postpartum experiences. You know, I think for a lot of people, the first baby, like I joke around, like it drives your ego up and then like the second one comes here to like, you know, to really like bring the…
Gina: To humble you. it humbles you.
Casey: I’m like, “I’m a great mom!” You know, like with one, I’m like, “I am killing it.” And then number two comes and yeah, you have a toddler. So, right. So the pregnancy’s, maybe not as whatever the, you know, what you can accomplish in the pregnancy, how much you can curate your eating in pregnancy or get to the gym or whatever life has changed, right?
You’re, you have a human or two humans or three humans when you’re in these subsequent pregnancies. And I found what I could accomplish actually for a couple of years, even it felt like I just like couldn’t get the rhythm. Well, it was the first, like, probably nine months, ten months, but then COVID, so that, like, messed with the rhythm of everybody pretty much.
But yeah, when you’re like, oh, well, maybe you had an experience of how your body snapped back the first time or how you, I just hate even saying that term, but how you were able to return to fitness the first time and then how, what your journey is with your own. And fitness is a good word because, you know, your ability to meet the demands of your life.
And how it is the second time, or the third time, or the fourth time, or the fifth time. It’s not, the conditions are not the same. Even though you are the same body, um, you’re not. Cause your body, you know, is a few years older, or whatever, whatever it is that’s going on. It’s like we can never compare ourselves to anyone else, but we can’t even compare within our own bodies, our own pregnancies because it’s so different.
Roxanne: Oh yeah.
Gina: I mean the only body that has created life is the postpartum body. I think that is something that’s really important to remember as we’re navigating this phase of life. That things are just different. And it’s okay for them to be different. It’s the… Opportunity and for us to, to grow and change flavor
Roxanne: I love that Gina’s calling it flavor!
Gina: I really wanna make this a thing… well, thank you so much, Casey, for chatting with us all about the postpartum body and navigating a lot of the comments that we’re probably going to continue to get. And our daughter was still probably get, and just going to be super frustrating. But I think if you’re listening to other people talk about this experience and maybe just put some words to what it is that you’re feeling like can be really helpful because that always helps me is to have somebody else like put the words to the feelings that I’m having and then I’m like, “Oh, yeah, like that, that resonates with me.” And that’s gonna help me on my journey. So if weight loss is your goal postpartum, I totally support you. I just want you to know that you are worthy and you are a valuable person regardless of your size. You deserve all things that you deserve as a human being: to be loved to be happy to find joy in your life, regardless of what your size is. So don’t view your weight loss journey as I could only have this thing that I really want when I’m a tinier frame because that doesn’t always equate to health and you deserve all those things now.
And so if that’s your goal, fully support you just go on it with a journey of what if weight loss is not your goal, like it wasn’t necessarily my goal, it was just to be able to pick up my kids and do great things and be as healthy as I could be. That’s awesome. We’re here to support you regardless of what your journey is.
Not to say that if your goal is weight loss that you don’t want those things too, but I think that came out little weird. But we’re here to support you, whatever your journey, and we want you to know that you’re a valuable person. And the only body that made a life is the postpartum one.
That’s pretty cool. So, thanks for joining us.
Casey: Thanks for having me.
Gina: Thank you for joining us today and listening to this episode. If you want more support throughout your pregnancy, join our prenatal fitness programs and childbirth education course. If you need more support after birth, join our postpartum fitness programs and education courses.
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