Welcome back! Hopefully, if you are reading this next blog in our Montessori Moments with MamasteFit series then your interests were piqued by the last blog about why the Montessori philosophy can be such a game changer for families.
Why Preparation as a Parent is Important
The idea of the preparation of the adult is how you need to shift into a mindset that will truly allow you to embrace this approach to child-rearing. An approach that is based entirely on ancient human knowledge, yet sadly, is somehow revolutionary in today’s society.
As Montessori herself explained it when she wrote about the transformation of the adult required to become a teacher and guide to children,
“The real preparation for education is a study of one’s self. A training of the teacher who is to help life is something far more than the learning of ideas. It includes the training of character. It is the preparation of the spirit.”
This is just as applicable and important, if not more so, when preparing your mindset for parenthood and how you will guide, influence, and react to your children as they learn and grow.
Preparation Timing
Ideally, the preparation of a parent is to be done before we even become parents, but for many of us that ship has sailed, and we are finding this philosophy while already in the thick of the journey that is parenthood.
However, it’s never too late for this step, and we can start this work before (or at least in unison with) our attempts to implement the Montessori methods and materials in our homes.
3 Preparation Principles
Dr. Maria Montessori explained this preparation for the adult must be threefold:
- Physical
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
This concept of preparation on all levels emphasizes that before we:
- Attempt to buy all those fancy wooden toys we see on Pinterest
- Head to Ikea to buy tiny kitchen objects to replicate the one we saw on Instagram
- Do all the things Montessori
We can even consider preparing the environment the child will interact we must FIRST prepare the person our children will look to for guidance along their unique ways AKA US.
We must therefore turn our focus inward, and do some deep self-preparation.
Works in Progress
As a Montessori parent, I am constantly working to dismantle the systematic conditioning that children must be explicitly taught and molded by adults, or that they need us to form every element of their beings and personalities.
It can be a genuine challenge to learn how to approach our children with reverence rather than obligation.
This kind of work requires a whole new level of patience (for your child and for yourself) so that you may find more time and space before reacting.
The ability to stop, reflect, and then react is a blessing in any situation (barring a super time-sensitive emergency), and it is especially a game changer in keeping your cool and/or avoiding power struggles at home.
This is ongoing work for all of us!!
This may sound a bit daunting but stick with me here and I will do my best to explain why preparation is so crucial, and what you may get out of it as a parent and as a human being.
What are the benefits of preparing yourself in such a way for parenthood?
1. You can get out of their way!
This preparatory work leading to a genuine understanding of our role as a parent allows us to get out of the child’s way.
By that I mean, we create an environment truly conducive to the development of the child and the individual human being they are meant to be.
We learn to respect that the child is their own individual. We learn to trust them and let them be their own people, rather than miniature copies or extensions of ourselves.
2. You can get out of your own way!
It’s most likely no secret to you that more often than not you are your own harshest critic and biggest stumbling block.
How many times a week do you beat yourself up about the lack of a clean house, or that unfinished chore, or the fact that you lost your temper again?
This work is just as much about finding grace and courtesy for yourself as it is about finding it for our children.
3. Take unnecessary stress off your plate (and theirs)
In preparing yourself as a parent you must allow yourself to understand that it is truly not your job to unfold their personality and constantly stress about how to structure everyone’s time and experiences.
Learning to follow the child and give yourself time to process and react is just about the greatest gift you can give yourself and your child.
The 3-Pronged Approach to Preparation
- Physical
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
1. Physical
This may sound cliche, and certainly easier said than done when you are in the trenches, but self-care really is monumental.
Find ways you can take care of yourself because you are modeling it for your children (who are always watching), and because you cannot fill another’s cup if yours is also empty.
Some ideas to support self-care:
- Eat an adequate amount of food that can fuel your body and brain for the marathon that is parenting
- Move your body intentionally, preferably in the sunlight and fresh air!
- Get sleep or some kind of rest where you can
- Stop feeling guilty about self-care
- Be extra kind to yourself when you know you are sleep deprived and therefore compromised physically and mentally
- ASK FOR HELP!
- We are social creatures, not meant to exist or raise children on an island.
- Lean on others where you can in order to actually allow yourself the time and space to take care of yourself.
2. Intellectual
Depending on the age of your child(ren), do some research on what is happening, developmentally, for your child.
If you are beginning your parenting journey, read up on infant and toddler development.
There is so much going on in there and it is not nearly as apparent or easily communicated as it will be with older, more verbal children.
However, even older, verbal children can leave you scratching your head as to WHY they are behaving the way they are.
I have found that the more you can understand about what is going on inside of their little human minds, who are learning how to human, the more compassionate and patient you can be – which is a game changer.
3. Spiritual
Possibly the hardest step of all- remove your ego.
By this I mean that an insane amount of how we process and react to our children and their behavior is based on the stories and experiences we have accumulated to this point in adulthood.
If you have time to scroll, you have the time to sit down and think (maybe even journal) about your own experiences and how they have impacted you.
What are you reacting to, how, and why? Identify your triggers.
During this step it is important to remember that judging yourself is not only unnecessary, it is counterproductive. This mindspace must be a judgment free zone.
I know what you are thinking- that sounds scary and way too time consuming. I get it. But honestly taking even just a second to reflect on your day or that interaction that felt dysregulating/triggering for you can start to do wonders.
We won’t always say the right thing, use the right tone, make the right choice, but when you take a second to reflect and process, you then have the opportunity to circle back with your child (or partner) and discuss anything, from making amends for losing your temper, to communicating needs or boundaries you don’t feel are being respected.
This is that deep humility I have come face to face with, and I have found even with a very young child it has been invaluable to model.
What I have learned during my own journey toward preparation:
To sum it up in two words, deep humility.
I have learned that we, as adults, are not superior, just because we are the older, larger ones.
We do NOT have all the answers.
We are NOT in control of who they are or what will happen to them.
We are imperfect.
And most importantly of all, I have learned THAT IS OKAY!
In fact, it is a blessing to release that pressure to be perfect, or at least never wrong, and instead to model for your child that we are all human, we are all learning as we go, we all make mistakes, and we can all get up and try again – including their superhero parents!
I have learned that I, as the adult, am not just inherently entitled to blind trust and respect or to expect that my child should want to please and impress me or others at all times, despite getting this message time and time again from the adults in my life when I was a child.
I have learned instead, that respect, grace, courtesy, and patience, all go both ways.
I have to ask myself questions that never occurred to me before finding this philosophy and have made all the difference in avoiding cliche parental hypocrisy (“Do as I say, not as I do!”) and power struggles in my home.
For example, am I showing my child the same amount of respect that I expect her to show me? What is my motivation for expecting her to behave a certain way? Is it to make my life easier/better, or is it genuinely for her benefit as a human being?
I have learned that my child is not responsible for my happiness, or for making me look like a certain kind of parent in front of other people.
I have learned how to implement firm boundaries, and that respecting someone doesn’t mean giving them free reign, or folding on those boundaries when they aren’t convenient. It means giving them safe choices/ outlets/ language to act on their impulses and desires or express their emotions.
I had to root out “defects,” as Dr. Montessori calls them, in my mindset and approach to children that impede my ability to fully support my child for who she is, rather than projecting my own personality and experiences onto her.
This all required me to take a serious look at my own shortcomings, my triggers, and my traumas.
This work is not for the faint of heart, but it is monumentally important if you, like countless other parents, want a truly fulfilling and meaningful life for your children and yourself.
Play with us In-Person
Laura, our Montessori-trained teacher, will guide you and your kids through an age-appropriate developmental activity (ages 0 months to 5 years), plus a take-home activity to enhance your learning at home!
Come socialize with other parents and kids in our space!
Want to know more about Montessori?
- Subscribe to our blog! I will be posting a couple blogs each month covering various elements of the Montessori philosophy and how these play out in the home. I promise to always be realistic about some of the more idealistic goals we strive for as Montessorians, keeping this a judgment-free zone where anyone who is even so much as interested in this approach to parenting is already winning!
- Check out my podcast, Montessori Moms in the Wild! Together with two of my closest mom friends and fellow trained Montessori guides (the three of us cover birth through age 12), we have created a blatantly honest and nonjudgemental show where we share tips and tricks for how we implement this massively important philosophy in our own homes, in real life!
- You can do a little more research via the two major accreditation organizations that train and educate Montessorians, The American Montessori Society (AMS) and/or The Association Montessori Internationale (AMI).
These links can help you dive a little deeper into the who, what, and why, as well as help locate a school near you if you would like to know what your local options may be!